Marriage And DiabetesWhen diabetes enters a marriage, the couple's ability to cope can mean the difference between a solid stable marriage and one filled with doubt, fear and confusion... The presence of diabetes in a marriage or relationship can bring difficulties that need to be worked through.
Living with diabetes is a strenuous task even if you and your spouse/partner are dealing with it cooperatively. But if you and your partner
are on opposites sides of the fence the whole situation can seem impossible. FEELING UNLOVED OR UNAPPRECIATED You may feel unloved, unappreciated and misunderstood leaving you with no energy to deal with the present and future problems that may come along. It's important to recognize this and work toward relieving the stress before it turns into another argument. George says, "I've been married twenty years. I've only had diabetes for nine months but my wife has come to
terms with it. My wife felt like she was abandoned when I became sick. I was so lethargic and that had an effect also." DIABETES CAN AFFECT MOODS One of the most common areas of stress in a marriage occur when the diabetic partner has diabetes related mood swings. These mood swings can happen when the person with diabetes has a blood glucose that is very high or very low. Diabetes shouldn't be blamed for ALL mood swings but they may be the cause of some of them. It's not wise to try to blame all negative behavior on a spouse's diabetes. When it comes to diabetes affecting his moods George shares, "My wife sometimes blamed my mood changes on my
diabetes and many times that was the problem as I look back on the last Don't go to the other extreme either. Sometimes the mood changes have a viable and reasonable reason. Don't' dismiss agitation or genuine dissatisfaction as being related to diabetes. Discuss the problems and try to figure out a solution. Peter's diabetes was diagnosed in April of 1987, "Before diagnosis I was extremely bad-tempered, intolerant and tired. I still experience fatigue at times, which reduces the energy I have to put into shared tasks." Jason has had to deal with diabetes in his relationship for five months. Jason describes, "My diabetes went
undiagnosed for three months which caused stress and irritability." DENIAL Another area of stress occurs when the partner with diabetes refuses to accept the fact that they have diabetes and go into denial. They may not want to accept responsibility for the management of their diabetes. Or they might be afraid of what living with diabetes will bring into their life. If the diabetic spouse is in denial the non-diabetic spouse should realize they can't make their loved one want to
take care of themselves. It may be hard to watch someone ignore his or her diabetes, but all the non-diabetic spouse can do is offer love
and support. The non-diabetic spouse may also need to cut down on the advice, admonition, and criticism, and just aim for
gentle non-judgmental support. BE INVOLVED IN DIABETES MANAGEMENT Both partners should take part in the diabetes management plan. Otherwise the diabetic spouse can feel like they have to cope with their diabetes alone. If both partners have a healthy attitude about how they will deal with diabetes in their life it can be a shared experience that can work for both partners. Married for ten-and-a-half-years, Helen says her husband has concerns about eating issues, "My husband gets upset with me when I skip meals or eat things I shouldn't. He went to classes to help me manage my diabetes and to learn more about it. He's the primary cook in our home, and he reads labels and everything." When the non-diabetic partner refuses to take an interest in their partner's diabetes that can lead to problems in the marriage. The diabetic spouse can begin to feel alienated. If your spouse has diabetes it's a part of your life too. You can't try to distance your spouse from his/her diabetes. They're a packaged deal. Susan Hersh, married for almost two-and-a-half years had diabetes before she got married. When asked is diabetes brought stress into her marriage Susan says, "Absolutely. I have always had difficulty with being totally compliant. In the beginning of our courtship, Alan had no clue as to what diabetes really was. So if I desired to eat sweets, he never made a comment; never bothered me. He never bothered me if I chose to bake." Susan's husband now takes an active role in her diabetes management plan. Susan continues, "Now that he is VERY aware of the disease and its impact on one's quality of life, he has taken it upon himself to be the "mini dictator" of the house. Sad but true. He claims if I will not take charge of the situation, then he has to. Bottom line: He refuses to lose me to this disease." We can see in Susan's marriage that her husband has taken the initiative to help his wife deal with her diabetes,
emotionally, as well as with the day-to-day tasks required to take care of Susan's diabetes. As long as both partners agree with this it
can go a long way toward calming any stress diabetes may have brought into the marriage. DIABETES CAN AFFECT EVERYTHING Diabetes will be involved with every aspect of your life including vacations, outings, going to the movies, as well as intimate moments. If your or your spouse's diabetes makes them feel weak and tired you may have to alter your plans to accommodate them. This is a part of "living with diabetes" as much as taking oral medications and insulin injections. Michel has dealt with diabetes in his marriage for five years. "The absence of sex (impotency) caused stress in my marriage. I don't feel my wife understood my needs. This lack of understanding was even evident in the domain of diet/eating. Linda has had diabetes for over five years. "I am frequently tired due to my diabetes. My spouse has a hard time understanding it. Diabetes is hard to adjust to, especially if you are used to being in control. Sometimes I wonder if permanent control of diabetes is possible." Steve, who has been married for two-and-a-half-years, had diabetes prior to getting married. "Sometimes low blood glucose levels affect my ability to have sex. There are also times when sticking to my meal plan can complicate vacations by having to eat at inconvenient times or being tempted by desserts that I am not usually around." When it comes to coping with diabetes in their life Steve states, "We both eat healthy foods. We like to take walks together and we both try to support each other by exercising regularly." One thing both partners can do is find out about the facts concerning diabetes. Learning more about diabetes can make the falsehoods melt away and bring understanding and compassion to the marriage. Margie has been married three times with diabetes present in all three marriages. Margies say, "In all three
marriages both of us didn't understand the emotional, as well as the physical parts of the disease. I was open to sharing about my diabetes
but they didn't want to." DISCUSS DIABETES AS OPENLY AS YOU CAN Marriage partners also need to learn how to talk about diabetes in their life. Discussions about your expectations and disappointments can relieve some of the stress before it reaches a boiling point. If you feel overwhelmed talk it over with your spouse. Talk about your needs as an individual, as well as your needs as a marital partner. Ask your spouse about his or her needs too. When asked if his spouse ever blames his grumpy moods on diabetes, Kirk, who has had diabetes for two years responded, "Most emphatically. I can get into a bad mood when my blood sugar goes too low. My wife tries her best and we discuss it openly." Diabetes has been in Thom's marriage six out of fifteen years, "When I got diabetes sometimes I got treated like a china doll that would break at any moment. My wife does take an active role in my diet management and exercise program. My diabetes is discussed when necessary but is not the main topic of discussion *at each meal." Here are some words of wisdom that might help you in your relationship/marriage: Advice #1: "Read up seriously about diabetes and think twice before undertaking a very difficult commitment." Advice #2: "Try to be understanding and encouraging. Remember that the diabetic doesn't like having the condition or
putting up with its management either." Advice #3: "Learn all you can about it. It helps a great deal, and talk to your spouse or intended spouse about your
concerns. There are a lot of myths out there, and knowledge is power." Advice #4: "One must remember that sometimes moods and attitude are not totally under the control of the diabetic. I have
found myself overreacting to a situation and after all is said and done found my blood sugar was basically shot. It is a condition which
will require a team effort to handle. Sometimes the non-diabetic in the relationship must "take charge" of the diabetic for both of
their well beings. Life is an interesting trip and diabetes is just a little more excitement thrown in!" Advice #5: "Keep loving them, be committed to them and try to understand." Advice #6: "A simple question that can be so complex. Both have to come to the understanding that diabetes is not just another disease and certainly not one that either partner can ignore. Not only does diabetes have an impact on the one afflicted, it has a direct impact on the spouse and other family members. Because it can ultimately impact on one's quality of life "down the road," I recommend that both partners
receive counseling prior to marriage. They must have a neutral forum in which to voice fears, concerns, formulate questions and
prepare a plan of action. I honestly feel that both must agree on the type of medical coverage to be had/shared. Work toward
obtaining a certain amount of excellence in medical coverage that will encompass not only the hands on treatment of diabetes but that can offer
much in the way of education, referrals and support. Diabetes, if managed properly and approached together in a concerted effort to
control it and not let it control 'you' does not have to mean a death sentence. If nothing else, you have each other "to have and to
hold in sickness and in health." Advice #7: "Learn about it and help with preparing foods, new ideas about eating & exercise. Knowledge will set you
free." Advice #8: "Support each other. Make sure each person can deal effectively with all aspects of diabetes and its
management." Advice #9: "Diabetes should not really be a factor when considering marriage. If a person loves another person then that
should be the primary decision. Today, diabetes is as controllable as an allergy. One must take responsibility for ones own self and deal
with the problem realistically. A spouse should also be aware of what to do if an emergency arises, but other than that it should not be a factor
in contemplating marriage." Advice #10: "Be gentle. don't be afraid to marry someone with diabetes. it's no different from any other medical
problem and we all have, or will have, something to deal with." Advice #11: "Don't take it personal if they are grouchy due to low blood glucose levels and not to have any qualms about marrying
a diabetic since being happily married can help keep the person on the right track and take care of the big D*." Advice #12: "Learn as much as possible. Go to support groups. It is something that changes as new information is available."
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